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Saturday, June 26, 2010

And the Writing Competition Begins!

Hanna and I have written two different scenes. Suspense Scenes! You will not know who's is who's, so you may vote truthfully.

To vote, your comment must include:
1) Writing number (1 or 2)
2) Why you chose this piece of writing over the other.
3) Any critiques (Optional)

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Writing 1 - Suspense Scene

Darkness. The only thing visible to my seemingly dull eyes was the pitch-black of the November night. A shiver ran down my back as a wind whistled through the tall city buildings. Pulling my coat tighter around me, I kept walking through the dark ally.
Somewhere in the distance I could hear a pipe - drip-dropping with water. I almost turned around right then, wanting so bad to run home to the safety of my bed. But my drunken mother’s words rung in my head “You have to get it for me.”
It, of course, meant drugs. You’d think she would specify what kind, but no. Any were fine with her. By now she was too drunk and too high to care. And I knew the consequences if I didn’t get the drugs. She had made those quite clear. Most of them involved her current live-in boyfriend.
Again, I trembled, but not from the cold this time, but out of repulsion.
A thought crossed my mind as I wound my way through the Manhattan blocks You could always run away. Mom probably wouldn’t even notice until she needed her next fix. She might call the cops - but probably not. Cops being anywhere near her would detect drugs right away.
Maybe…maybe that would actually work. Could I run away from Mom? No matter how much I hated her for choosing drugs and beer over me, I still loved her. I still felt like I needed to care for her. After all, she was my mother. She gave me life. Granted, a life I didn’t want, but a life nonetheless.
Absentmindedly, I felt for a crate to sit on, too overwhelmed with my sudden shot at freedom. Could I do it? Could I get away with it? Where would I go? Who would I stay with? How would I get money? Would Mom ever sober up enough to come look for me?
Only a small part of my mind was vaguely aware of footsteps sounding in the ally.
“Excuse me, miss, are you alone?” A deep, male voice echoed off of the bricks giving me a pretty good idea that no one was around to hear either of us.
My instincts told me to lie, but perhaps it would be better if he just killed me. I’d never have to do this again. “Y-yes.” I stumbled.
“Now, why on Earth would a pretty lady like yourself be alone, out here, on a Friday night?” Something about his voice was menacing, but something told me to answer. Some part of him seemed…good.
“Just running an errand for my mom. I think I got lost.” I added quickly, hoping to pull off the damsel in distress, while maintaining my strength. The last thing I needed was for him to think I was weak.
“You think? I’d say you’re pretty lost. Allow me to show you back to town?”
I didn’t answer. As my eyes adjusted, I could begin to make out his face. Shaggy black hair swung lazily in his eyes, stubble upon his cheeks, creating a shadow across his face. Cocking his head to one side, he urged me for an answer. When I gave none, he came closer to me, reaching for my hand.
Instinctively, I snapped my hand back. But he held tight, pulling me up to him. “I won’t hurt you, doll.” He whispered. “I promise.”
Without another word, he pulled me roughly out of the ally the way I had come. My body kept telling me to fight, but I knew better. If I fought, I’d just waste my energy for I’d lose terribly. I could feel that just from the way he gripped my arm. He had some serious muscles.
A few minutes later we arrived at a black SUV, where he promptly threw me into the passenger seat. After a few miles of silence he turned to me and said, “So what’s your name?”
Not hesitating, I replied, “Lizzie. You?”
“Cody Shaw.” Somehow I doubted the name was real.
“Where are you taking me?” I asked, trying to hide the panic in my voice.
Cody didn’t answer me and instead took my hand, squeezing it.
After a couple twists and turns in the city, I was no longer familiar with our whereabouts. The only thing I knew was that we had pulled up to a house.
The house was nice. One story, wrap around porch, and lights lighting the path from the driveway to the steps. The moon illuminated enough for me to see that behind the house was a heavily wooded area. The neighbors were spread pretty far apart, but it was too late for anyone to be out or awake anyway.
Cody led me inside, sitting me down on the couch. Sitting beside me, he began making casual conversation. Asking me if I needed anything to eat or drink, or if I needed to use the restroom. If I was comfortable. He acted like a host almost.
I found myself becoming more comfortable with him, laughing and joking with him. And somehow, not too long after that, I found myself making out with him.
“Lizzie,” Cody breathed, as my lips moved to his neck. “I need to tell you the truth.” Freezing beneath him, I pulled away ever so slightly. He reached behind me, grabbing my wrists in his hands, when I was suddenly aware of cold metal replacing the warm flesh. Handcuffs. My eyes widened as I gave him puzzling looks. “I’m a cop. I go undercover in the allies to catch drug dealers and people who are buying drugs.”
My mind carefully processed his words. Cop…undercover…catch people who buy dru-
Crap.
“I’ve been trying to figure out why you were out there though - it’s pretty obvious you don’t do drugs, and I can’t find any on you.”
It didn’t take anything more than that for me to tell him the whole story. Afterwards, he un-handcuffed me, taking me into his arms.


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Writing 2 - Suspense Scene


The wooden door slammed against the wall as Jamie and I pushed through and made our way to the bed. His lips crushed against mine so fiercely and forcefully that I stopped him every few seconds, to catch my breath.

“Jamie, I can’t go further” I said, but he kissed my neck and would not stop.

Embracing me in his arms, he pulled down onto the mattress. His fully-clothed body was over me. Though his kissing was powerful, it didn’t hurt. I looked into his eyes, and couldn’t believe I was refusing to sleep with someone like him. His hands moved from my face, down to my chest, down to my hips… They slid upwards, as he began to remove my clothes.

“James!” I moaned, slapping his arms away abruptly. He continued to kiss me, but I pushed him away, wiping my wet lips with my arm. “That was not cool.”

“It’s about time we do it… what’s wrong with you?” His voice was rough and awkward.

“You know I can’t… But I love you!” To prove that I did, I kissed his neck, leaving the slightest mark of a love bite.

“I hate your Christian beliefs…” he trailed off.

“Yeah I know… Hey!” I remembered lifting my head up. “What were you doing with Christina the other day? I have not seen her at all.”

“She must have been busy getting ready for prom all day. You know how she is…”
Grabbing a hold of my arm, he began to kiss me again; his hands moved to my hips once more. His lips were crushing mine, I could not stop him. His arms were under my blouse.

Now I slapped him.

“James you pig! Get off!” but he continued to grab me, continued to kiss me.
I had known him to be quite rough and eager… but it never crossed my mind that he would do this to me, or to any human being.

I kicked him where I knew it would hurt. He let out a yell as I ran to the door. He cupped his leg and rolled on the mattress, but did not look at me. I hovered in my place, wishing for him to say something...

“You should not have done that…” He said, swaying from side to side to the drawer and pulling something out of it. I did not notice what he was doing until I saw the sharp knife in his hands, and his face full of determination, to hurt me.

“Come to me willingly… or be forced.” His eyes were agleam, and only now did I realize what a dangerous and threatening man he really was. I always knew he was, I just would not let myself believe it. All teens got into some trouble… right? But not like this.

I turned on my heel, adrenaline rushing through me, and raced out of the dorm. Everyone was out to prom. We were the only individuals around, and I, stupidly enough, agreed to come back here with him.

I ran as fast as I could, not looking back, but I could still hear his rushing footsteps behind me. I stumbled on my toes, and crashed to the floor.
He was getting closer… and I yelled. Though my shriek echoed against the small and narrowed hall, nobody came. I picked myself up quickly, ran down the nearest staircase, and entered the closest room.

It was pitch black, so I felt most of my way in. The sturdy wooden crate I grabbed hold of felt big enough for me to hide behind. I would wait for everyone to get back from the prom, even if I would have to wait hours…

The door suddenly creaked open, letting little light from the hall brighten a fraction of the room. He moved in, closing the door behind him. On my knees, I crept back carefully and inaudibly, making as little noise as possible, when my hands touched something wet and almost sticky.

The lights turned on, and I thanked god when I realized the crate was bigger than I thought. I was crouched too low for him to see me yet. But my hands were still wet, and very red…

I yelled as loud as ever when I smelt that almost iron smell coming off my hands, and noticed I was lying in a pool of blood. He heard me, and could see me now. I had never been more scared in my life, and I thought nothing could scare me more than his menacing face looking at me in a hungry sort of way, with the silver knife gripped in his right hand. I could not have been more wrong.

As I turned, my knees tripped over an arm, and my face fell onto a soft landing.
I screamed and begged him to stop as he pulled my on leg. I grabbed and held onto the peach-colored item with all my might, but let go when I realized it to be a torso, the torso of a human. I felt my body go numb when I looked into Christina’s face and horror struck eyes. Dead. Unconscious. A corpse…

Flipping me over, he covered my mouth, muting my screeching. I would not stop yelling. I would not let him win.

I felt relief and slight pain at the same time. Relief, as I knew I would not have to view or feel what he would do with my body. Pain, as I felt the knife jab through my chest, then my pierce my fragile heart.

I heard the tearing of my blouse, and his voice filled my ears. “I love you, too.”
And then blackness engulfed me.


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Never mind the layout and indentations of each writing piece. We both use different word processors.

Now vote!!!

To enter your piece of writing, please post it in the comment, and we (both Hanna and Charlie) will choose a winner.

The Rules:
1) Write a Suspense Scene
2) Word count: 500-1000 words.
3) Deadline: Wednesday 30th June! (The Same Day Eclipse Premiers.)

-Thank you all who vote and enter!

With eternal love and blessing from both,
-Charlie The Cooler teen, and Hanna the Cuter Teen.

17 comments:

Jessica said...

I don't have time to really go into detail about what I thought and whom I shall choose...but I just wanted to say that I am very excited to come back and actually be able to tell you what I thought. I was also curious about how you would like for us to submit our story... Here... or is there an email or something where we can just send it to you?

CharlieYaFiction said...

You can type it on a word processor and then post it in the comments. xD
And yeah, thanks for taking you time to read our entries and vote and tell us what you think. :)

-Charlie, the Cooler Teen.

jpereztheargus said...

I am so giddy!

Well, first things first. I really liked both pieces! They both were very well written.

I liked the first piece because of its use of conflict to motivate the character and move the story. Because this piece was character driven, I would of loved to see more character development. I would also be careful with using unnecessary words--especially adverbs! They add nothing to the story and, to be honest, they distract from your wonderful characters and plot.

I loved the twist in the end. I literally gasped when I read that line about Cody being a cop. However, I was disappointed that the cop did not arrest her. It would have been ironic that the "drug-free" daughter of an addict was arrested because she tried to prevent the abused of her mother. If it had ended this way then it would connected the two story lines in a beautiful and satisfying way.

I loved the second piece!!! The internet does not contain enough exclamation points to describe my enthasium for this short story. It was well edited and plotted. It had a wonderful, chilling ending and everything flowed very nicely. I loved the use of foreshadowing when the girl asked about Christina.

I still spotted a few weak adverbs and I noticed that you were using ellipses incorrectly.

The characters were flat, but considering the genre and medium that's to be expected. I think you more then made up for it with your fabulous story structure.

I feel that you give too much away in the end. I would have loved if you had ended your story two paragraphs ago. It would have been much more chilling to let the violence happen off screen.

Anyways, as for who I vote for, I choose Number Two! Again, it was well plotted and wonderfully suspenseful!

Now off to write my own story story!

Hanna said...

@JP Hey - check your email.

Hanna said...

@JP Hey - check your email.

jpereztheargus said...

I just replied. :)

Tessie said...

I am horrible with decisions, but I finally came to a conclusion, and I picked #2 because it was written very... clearly, if that makes sense. And it was really surprising. Some of the dialogue was a little strange to me, but maybe I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm tired (haha).


I liked #1 as well because of the surprise at the end, but to me it seemed like there were some unnecessary words/descriptions.

Sorry, I'm not very good at this kind of thing :P And no, I'm actually not hyper for once.

Anyway, good job, they were both really good (and I don't even know who wrote what!). And I didn't know you two were capable of such romance! Haha

Jessica said...

They are both pretty good, but there is just a couple of things that bugged me about both of them...

For the first story, somethings didn't seem to really fit in my opinion, and somethings just seemed to be worded wrong. I think it could be a pretty good story, only the characters kind of seem all wrong. I don't quite understand why this police officer would pretty much kidnap a young girl from an alleyway. If he suspected her of drugs he could have searched her right then and there or something, and why would he take her to a house instead of a police station? I guess since he was suppose to be undercover it would kind of make sense...but only slightly. It still wouldn't explain why he would put her in his SUV and take her to this house, where he makes sure she is comfortable while she's there at that. Then it gets to the point of really strange when we find that the girl and the cop are now making out. If a man took me to a far away place I don't think I would be so easy to be comfortable with him. I would be terrified. It might just be the lack of character development...but still. It seems to be lacking something in my opinion. It could be great, I think, but something doesn't feel right.

For the second story things made a little more sense when it came to storyline. But I have one question first...why does James have a knife in his drawer? He might be a psychopath, but I don't think anyone would leave a knife in their bedside drawer. Somethings sound a little awkward in my head when I read them, but nothing very major. The ending is a little weird... I can see what you're trying to do, but I think it can be executed a little bit better. However, I also very much like JP's idea of ending the story a couple of paragraphs earlier. The characters are also lacking more depth, which is always really sad because I love characters. And as Tessie said, some of the dialogue sounds strange. For example, when the narrator says, 'You know I can't... But I love you!', it doesn't sound right. I, personally, cannot stand exclamation points to begin with...I always feel like I'm being yelled at. However, it sounds as if she doesn't really mean it...or at least that is the way it looks to me. Like she just added that as a second thought.

I wish I could be diplomatic, but alas, I cannot. Hmm... I think I'm going to have to choose the second story. To me it just made more sense then the first one, storyline wise. I didn't quite understand the characters in the first story. :/

I now officially feel like I bashed your stories... But I hope some of it helps you...and if not, I am so sorry.

And I think I'm going to have to second Tessie, I had no idea you guys were romance fiends. xD

Jessica said...

I am going to be going a little bit over 1,000 words for the suspense story thing.... I hope that is ok.

Anonymous said...

I guess a little bit is fine. Just don't go over too much. Because limits are important, too.
-Charlie

CharlieYaFiction said...

I guess that is fine. Do not go over the top, though. Word limits are important, too.
-Charlie

Jessica said...

I can't submit what I wrote... It says that it must be under 4,096 characters... What now? :/

Hanna said...

@Jessica - Please tell me your story is under 4,096 characters.

Ummm email it to me at ILuvRobPattinson@gmail.com

--Hanna

CharlieYaFiction said...

Also, email it to me please at:

iCharliee@hotmail.com

jpereztheargus said...

I can't post either, but i'll email you both.

CharlieYaFiction said...

Thank you
-Charlie

Jessica said...

Characters as in letters and symbols... Don't worry, my stories only 89 words over the limit.