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Friday, July 9, 2010

Results of #2

Piece number one belonged to Charlie.

Piece number two belonged to Hanna.

We have drawn! We got 2 votes, ones each. Thanks for voting!

We only received one entry for this contest, which belonged to Miss Carly.  However, Carly your story was excellent.  Carly's story will be posted below.  Here are our comments.

Hanna - Carly, you know I've always thought you were an amazing writer, and reading this just proves it all the more.  I really liked that you didn't make Ariel a mermaid - just the daughter of a fisherman/business-owner/beach proprietor.  Your style is really unique - really capturing the frustration of a teenager and showing the reader how it feels to have such a bad nickname. Job well done, Carly Barly.  *And I still think you'll be a the first female best-selling-author-turned-President.  ;) *

Charlie - Carly, first, I love your name. With that said, I liked your story. I did slow down at some parts, to reread what I had read as you sometimes switch from present to past tense... but without that, I thought it was really original. Like Hanna, I liked that she was not a glittery, sparkly creature with a fin. :)

A WHOLE NEW WORLD
By Carly P.

You wanna know what’s an annoying nickname?



Fish girl.


You’d THINK a group of high-schoolers can come up with a name a LITTLE more creative, right? It’s so lame. It’s so juvenile. It’s so first grade! When I was seven, Janis Button’s skirt fell down one day. They could have called her all sorts of nicknames, especially because her last name included “butt.” But nooooo, they called her “skirt girl.” I remember feeling bad for Janis, because nicknames are pretty hard to get rid of.


And now that those imbisuls have started to call me fish girl… I couldn’t agree with myself more.


Just because I hang around in the ocean a lot DOESN’T mean I’m a fish. Yeah, I’m the best swimmer on the school swim team. And I like seafood a lot. And My Dad owns most of the shore in our town.


So what? Does that automatically make me “fish girl” for the rest of my life? Judging on how people are treating me, I’d assume that’s exactly what I’ll be called, forever and eternity. The saddest part is I can’t redeem myself, no matter how hard I try. I don’t have any friends, no people I could hang out with. Notice I said no PEOPLE. I’ve got plenty of fish friends!


And there’s this injured dolphin I’ve been feeding off the dock at night. Every night, like tonight, for instance, I walk out and feed her some sardines. She broke her fin a few weeks ago, and being careful and staying close to the shore is helping her recover.


The sun is so beautiful as it’s setting over the ocean. Every night is pretty spectacular, but tonight is extra special. The sun is almost a pink color, which is something new. I’m entranced.


Suddenly, I feel a tap on my shoulder, and I spin around. My bucket of sardines spilled all over the figure standing behind me. “I’m so sorry!” I mumbled, frantically throwing the sardines into the bucket. I moved my eyes upward to reveal the hottest man I’ve even seen in my entire life.


“You’re fine,” he smiles, handing a few sardines to me. His voice is so low. So muscular. So unbelievably unreal. I must be dreaming.
 
Then I realized I was staring. “Ariel!” I spit, plunging my arm out for a shake. “Ariel Duncan.”



He looks quizzical and his eyes dart back to the dock titled DUNCAN’S DOCK. “Like the dock?” he asks.


I blush. “Yes. Like the dock. And the returaunt, and the harbor, and the beach.” This was my worst part of meeting anybody. They always assumed I was some stuckup rich kid who had tons of friends, which by the way… I did NOT. I expected the hot man to walk away, disgusted. He should of just—


“I’m Eric,” he replies, sticking out his hand. We touch hands, and his hands are softer than… well I can’t exactly compare them to anything at the moment. I’m so lost in his smile! And his eyes! Oh, and his—


“Are you going to let go now?”


“Oh yeah,” I blurt, ripping away my hand. “Sorry.”


Then, he laughs. But not at me, with me. And he sits down with his feet in the water. And we talk… for a long time.


I could feel my life changing as we spoke. I, Ariel Duncan, was talking to THE hottest man I’ve ever met, and he didn’t think I was a freak. Wait till everyone sees me now! All the “fish girl” crap will change! Everything will change!


The sun is getting lower into the sky, until it disappears behind the ocean’s horizon. Then it’s just Eric and I, sitting in the dark. And it’s silent. And weird.


“I better get going,” I say, hesitant to leave. “It’s getting pretty late, and I’m getting pretty chilly.”


“No don’t leave, Ariel! Please. It’s my first night here, and my parents are still moving things in, and they’re still fighting a lot these days, and there is nowhere I’d rather be then here.” There was a slight pause. “Here with you.”


I felt a bolt of lightening rush through my body. He wanted to be with me. Here.
 
“Of course,” I reply. Taking a seat, I rub my arms to try and keep them warm. “I’m just so cold!”



Immediately, he ripped off his sweatshirt and handed it to me. “Here,” he offered, “take mine. I’m a Minnesota boy, I’m used to the cold.”


I giggled and took his sweatshirt. It was warm, and cozy, and---

As if it was even possible, he actually looked hotter with it off. Not like “warmer” hotter, but HOTTER hotter.


I am the luckiest girl in the universe. Nothing could ever bring me down. Not even being called fish girl. Not even the entire city!


You know in movies when someone feels as if they’re on top of the world, and then something comes along in the worst moment possible and tears it all apart? I figured that I already met the perfect guy in the cheesy citcom, so of COURSE there would be that one person who had to go and rip my storybook ending apart.


“What in God’s name are you doing?” a voice like thunder roared from behind us on the dock. I looked up to see my father, in the flesh, standing right behind Eric and me.


“Dad, I can explain everything, just give me two seconds.”

“Explain how there’s some topless guy holding hands with you as you two are watching the sunset? What kind of father do you think I am, Ariel?”


It was dead silent. The waves were crashing at the side of the dock, and I wished I could just dive in and swim away. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything but bury my head in my hands and sigh.


“Let’s go,” he barked, grabbing me on the arm.


The sadness in Eric’s eyes were horrible. I couldn’t bear to see him sad like this, forever. And as soon as I could get my chance, I was going to see him. And make it all better.
 
Because that’s what is meant to be.

6 comments:

Jessica said...

I feel horrible for not being able to read your stories and tell you which I liked the best. :/ I really didn't have the time... But I promise to read them later today and tell you what I think even though it doesn't count anymore.
I don't have the time to read your story either right now Carly, but I shall later. I'm sure it is great. :D

Carly Gaile said...

Haha don't worry about it. I just reread it and Charlie was right-- I totally switched from past tense to present tense. I need to work on that. Oops :)

Hanna said...

@ Carly - I guess it's because I do the same thing without even noticing, but I didn't even notice it. lol.

Carly Gaile said...

Haha I'm wayyyyy better at last tense, but I started the beginning in present, so I decided I'd try it. Not working out so well. Lol

Hanna said...

@Carly - same here. Way better at past tense. But a lot of agents/editors/publishers don't like it. I plan to be an exception. lol.

jpereztheargus said...

I really enjoyed this piece and it makes me sad that I did not enter...

I have one question though. Is the dolphin Erick?